I Broke My Promise, Sue Me!

Wed. Jan. 13, 2010

My life is a total wreck. Nothing I said I was going to do, was done, didn't even measure or weigh myself. Frankly, I'm scared.

Let me just say that part of the reason I wasn't able to get back on to blog about my "life style" change is due to the fact that I'm currently sharing my dad's lap top with my sister, because right after my lap top power cord took a fat shit on me, my sister's indestructable Mac Book lap top's hard drive took a fat shit on her.

Isn't life fabulous?

I'm really in a bad place in my life to be changing my diet & body. I am  BROKE! w/ a capital B! Not only am I looking for a job, business is slowing down because of all the New Year's resolutions to lose weight and get fit, my dad tells me he is moving to the Philippines soon, so here I am shitting brickings trying to figure it all out. How am I possibly going to be able to pay for all the bills (with no help from my sister, I'm sure) for the house & take care of myself with out a job?

Last week was a good start for my diet. I had really good goals, started working out by power walking at the beach & I even did weights and ate more vegetables. But what am I to do? I really started to get nervous when my dad told me he was leaving. Nothing seems to be with in my control. For the first time in my life I am really scared and there isn't anything to comfort me, except food. So, of course I turn to my first love, food, and start eating.

This is really hard. I'm still greiving the death of my mother and I still think about her every day. Not having my mom makes everything harder. Even when we were mad at each other, it was comforting to know she was always there. Food was something that my mom & I bonded over. It is what brought both of us happiness, but inevitably it killed her.  And that really is the reason why I should lose weight. I want to be around to enjoy life and experience all that I can. I want to get married one day & have kids, although, it may never happen, I feel that losing weight will make it easier and bring me a few step closers to making it a reality.

This really sucks. I'm in the worst spot of my life. I'm technically unemployed even though I have a food business. I have very little money in the bank, my car is going to need a lot of work done on it soon,  can't even pay my cell phone, my student loan payments start next month, I'm single & over weight and I'm too broke to even resume my gym membership.

There is a couple of positive things...but we'll see how that goes. I've had an interview with a pretty big insurance company, you see ads for them all the time & just about everyone has a membership with them. The job will be in Santa Barbara as a travel agent coordinator of some sort. I think it will be a great job for me, although I don't like the commute, at least the commute to Santa Barbara is beautiful because on one side is the beach and the other is the mountains. The other thing is, I had an interview with a car dealership in Thousand Oaks, the opposite direction of Santa Barbara, yes, but it is a much shorter commute, I'd be closer to home, but its only part time and I KNOW it will pay a lot less than the other job. They are both benefited jobs as long as I work over 32 hours at the dealership.

Although, I liked working at a car dealership in the past and it was fun, I feel like I'm going back wards. I really need a job and I'll take any job thats offered to me. The strange thing about this situation is the SB job will not be deciding on a person for hire until the big boss lady comes back from her vacation in Brazil, which she left for this week, and won't be back for three weeks. SO, that means no on will be hired until the first week of February at least, and I am NOT guaranteed the job, even though my interviewer seemed to like me, and my friend said she LOVED me.

The dealership said they had more interviews this week & part of next week and would call me next week if they decided they needed to have a 2nd interview with me or would just hire me. They seemed to like me too. I interviewed with the office manager & with the sales manager. We seemed to all be on the same page, there were lots of smiles & laughs and all the car business inuendos were understood.

Not that I am assuming the job with the dealership is mine, but what would I possibly do if they offered the job to me and I hadn't yet heard back from the lady in Santa Barbara?

This is too much stress.

My goal is just to make it through the week, apply for as many jobs as I am qualified for, take care of the house, work out when I can, eat as healthy as I possibly can, I will stop kicking myself if I don't & I will keep this online journal of my thoughts. Thats all that I can do for now.

Signing out.